Life at 39

 As life fast forwarded from being 23 to being almost 39 in the blink of an eye, i find myself reviving my blog after almost a decade!

Its been a roller coaster ride, going through various emotions, all the ranges of happiness, anger, emptiness, hopefullness, despair, motherhood...u name it!

All i eventually learnt was that no matter what you do, all you can do is change yourself to the best of your understanding... And if you cant understand... read and find out!

The idea of Companionship is a myth if we dont constantly work on it... And for some reason, our real emotions are not to be shared! Our fears, our hurt, our pain cant be shared...because no matter how healthy the packaging of expression may be, it always turns out to be just blame.. not Sharing!

After a decade and half of unsuccessful tries of expression, repression and forgiveness I have finally learnt(Yes...Im a slow learner) that I should rather work on myself to create a happy environment, than expect that happy environment from someone else.

No, I dont mean to dessert anyone...as my responsiblities outweigh my small selfish peace..and maybe Im not even looking for that.

If I need peace, i need to focus to forgetting the past thats bringing me so much pain, which Im constantly comparing my present condition to, to assess if things have changed!

 My self talk has to be for this peace I seek, as much as for anything else I aim for in life! Ive been ignoring it the past year, thinking I dont want to give it that much importance, as the pain was too high to focus any positive energy on it!

But, if I want a good environment, it has to be wholesome. I need to focus on all the pieces of the puzzle.

So here I am, writing and convincing myself that this is achievable, if I Believe this is what will help me be a peaceful mom and person.

Love plays a huge role in our lives... and if we are to be able to give more to the world, we have to be at peace. We need to resolve, bury, accept and move on. 

Accept that these incidents were lessons, that taught us resilience, strength and fueled our core values.

  

The dark cloud!

when your world seems so dark

that the light doesnt reach your eyes

the heart cries with all its might

to clear the smog 

for a single ray

that negative realm hurts you so deep

that u loose perspective

of your own character

everything unnecessary clouds your mind

leaving you in so much despair!

people blame their stars and the moon

while only trying to get over this night 

n feel the dawn.....

its so sad, that sometimes love isn't enuf,,,,,

its so sad that all hope seems lost just at the end of the tunnel!

expectations by character are always overrated....

we always doubt the delivery 

u doubt urself

u doubt ur Gods!

And anger n frustration is all thats left of u....

people start to wonder whats eating u up.....

u unable to explain thats inside of u!

nobody wants to b sad....

nobody wants to feel devastated!

nobody wants to b asked 'why u dont smile often now'

its mayb bcoz we set some standard of expectation that just got shattered!

its mayb bcoz somebodys efforts were long due n now they seem too late!

sometimes its difficult to c the simplicity of the situation.....

to take that deep breath..... to give urself another chance!

there is so much negativity already around us

that we dont need any newer reasons to feel this way!

we all have our burdens on our souls...

we all have been taken for a ride for our heart!

but still.....

despite this....

im sure we want to be our loving selves again....

be silly.... be weirdly innocent n surprise ourselves

Give ourselves another chance to b happy

The truth of a relation

what lies in your heart
is a mystery that only u hold the key to!
The world sees u as a different person
And u may claim to b a different one

the various levels of disclosure of ones character
depends on how much one decides to showcase

And thus I'm set to believe, no one truly knows anyone!

U may live with that person for a lifetime
n still that person may b an alien!

there are no levels of trust that are definite
no level that u say can determine what u mean to somebody!

Cluttered

Being the superior being has its own challenges....

so much to process, so much to accept...

so much to worry about....

that we often forget the simplest pleasures of being alive!

I often find myself staring into space,

With no specific answer as to whats running in my head...

A monotonous life, tries to break free into a realm that's unpredictive...

N on the contrary, unpredictive situations make me yearn for clues...

I see others, and like most of us, the grass seems greener to me there..

Though I'm aware that maybe their lives have their set of challenges that are much more difficult

My nature makes me drive myself to do something that relaxes me...

my time and strength, alas! leave me drained....

My brain seems to be processing so many things at the same time

that sometimes im tired of giving reactions

My multi-tasking abilities are put to test each day....

A mom, home-maker and a desperate desire to b an identity... are tearing me apart!

Time asks me to be patient....

My priorities remind me time and again...

I await my time,

for it was my choice to set these priorities

and that is all i remind myself of....

The heart yearns for a console 

My pals who are so far....

Life and its challenges always seem small when u see others and their suffering

But the answers to my queries are still out there...

This clutter sometimes gives me an ache...

But things are always cluttered till u dont unclutter them.....

An Inspiration to write about!

Traditions mark our life....our beliefs and they are the actual hand-me-downs that we shall leave behind for all eternity!

while todays super-fast paced life leaves little room to ponder on the very notion, I truly enjoy the gift of noticing and thus cherish what others have to offer!

Being Navaratri, n us having a handful of people to invited and get invited, we visited Arvind's aunts place today....and what an experience it has been!![me writing this post says it all!]

When u enter the house, the first thing that strikes u are the pieces they use to decorate their home...One can immediately imagine the extensive travel they would have done, and the eye for detail the lady of the house posseses, as there are just so many diversifying show pieces, paintings and other hangings!

their entertainment centre plays home to almost a 100 different show pieces inclusive of soft toys and some beautiful family moments consisting of them, their children n their spouses and finally their grandchildren....

All this information only increased my curiosity about the kind of golu i would get to c today[this being my second visit there overall], and were we amazed!

the best part of it being the fact that though many of the pieces may be usual, their arrangement and their preservation through these years makes them truly beautiful....

The Golu.....

 The First step has Valli and Murugan along with a kalasham[their tradition]. the second having Alamelu Mangayar and Lord Balaji along with two dolls of the Kanchi Periyavar of whom they are devotees along with interesting tulasi madams....
the third has Marapachi dolls along with others icluding the guruvayur elephants.
The forth having the Ashta-Lakshmi dolls.

the Fifth step had an amazing Gowmata figurine that ive hardly seen in pictures...along with Lord Ganesha, Goddess Saraswati and Lakshmi, along with Dashavatar.

the latter step had the Chettiyar-Chettichi and a wedding scene....

on one side on the floor was a scene of a field...and another was a very unusual scene of a church with Christmas decorations....

and the decorated lamp[Villaku] just added on to the beauty.

 The side of the step had a small platform for Radha and Krishna with a beautiful toran mandapam of the Goddess herself overlooking!

what struck me most was the way the steps were decorated, with a huge Lord Balajis wall hanging on the top, the toran and most of all little pieces of christmas tree decorations mixed with the garlands and lights on the side.

Another interesting piece was the battery lit diya, that came all the way from the U.S to decorate the golu.....which were lighting up the steps quite brilliantly!

 The Pujari itself had 3 miniature golu steps that she had decorated with beautiful golden studded Gods and Goddesses.....

 Niyant with both the grandmoms...

 A beautiful Guruvayur piece in the living room

 Niyant enjoying the decor and last but not the least...Myself n Perima!

The new face.....

life has turned me inside out...
where each day i c a new side to me...
some are surprisingly positive...n some surprisingly not...
never the less, i should admit....they are a spec of me!

something today just struck me...
after all these years...
i finally have a little pious soul looking up to me with lovely eyes...
who looks at me n wonders...whats he gonna observe today...

that experience of having inquisitive eyes...
that smile at me with wonder...
made me feel a sense of responsibility.....
As if each moment I should watch my move...

As if its crucial for me to scrutinize myself, before i make ne moves.

Lifes given me a palette of experiences,
which today define me..
The good, bad and the ugly...

but no matter how hard i try, i some how am unable to keep the bad n ugly out!

Its important that i make my atmosphere friendly..
Its important that i make sure my heart stays pure..
For i know n believe that its upto us to take negativity in or out....

Today, i stand at cross roads where my own beliefs mock me...
as if they tease their very existence in me...
n that i have set out to preach!

There is so much that i wanna get back to...
to keep my peace within me...
But i wonder if thats possible..
coz tide and time wait for none...n im wondering if my time has slipped away??

This new face, has put me into a soul searching quest...
wherein all i know is that i need to triumph with my positive best...
coz i cant preach what i dont believe....

What more?

no matter what i do,
i never feel as if ive touched the mark........
no matter how hard i try, im made to feel inadequate!
my smile never lasts no matter how much i stretch my lips
my tears see no end as if the supply is unlimited...

i really dont understand the reasons though....
for all of this emotional turmoil.....
i fail to understand wht more i need to let go of...
my hands are already empty!

even after being surrounded by so many ppl...
im made to feel lonely...
why is my fate such.....is a question unanswered!

i try n satisfy my heart with what ever i have...
n still im made to feel empty!

i donno what more to do....
to deserve a smile thats worth Me!

Silence in the Heart!

Ever felt the silence that prevails inside ur heart?
A feeling that stands stagnant admist the chaos?
A pinch that makes u feel that words are a pain....
A pain....u've long felt n bred on!

Surprisingly, i used to feel it quite often earlier.....
I think i off-late had started over looking it...
n suddenly today....ive been re-acquainted to my old friend...
A friend who,  i thought, brought me peace!

i some how now, have realized my world other than people
whom i gave the importance they hold today!
Ive come face to face with my reality...
that i had long forgotten drowning in bliss!

The happiness i hold in my heart....
as if is my treasure...
a treasure i thought i cld share...
a treasure i realize, nobodys interested in!

the people i held as the center of my world,
were ppl who demanded their freedom....
People, who after being freed look at me with inquisitive eyes!

I know that not every choice i make is my own....
I do what people want me to do!
N im forced to often wonder....
Why am i to bear its consequence there after??

N after all that drama, I manage to find peace in fate...
forgetting that this chaos wasnt mine...
but admitting that it now is a part of my life!

With all the hyper energy around me,
I am reminded, that I am responsible for my peace....
Even if others interfere!

I may sometimes dim the spotlight on others....
focusing on the self now
for i have just realized how important i am to myself....
that there will b no me....if im not taken care of!

Ive learnt through time to let go of things
that dont want to be a part of my world....
I am learning to expect less from others...
I am starting to appreciate the beautiful Silence that my heart holds!

Lifetime......

life is actually a tale comprising of the ppl who let u down during the various stages of ur life!
there are no possible methods to move on from pain....
there are only new faces and new reasons to feel pain!!
the moment u let ur guards down fr an individual.....
they take great pride in hurting u.....
they get into ur life assuring happiness...
finding all the possible loopholes ur emotions may portray!
every emotion of love that u experience for a person.....
is like an unopened present!
u nvr know whts behind that lovely wrap!
the more u unveil it....the more u get distured...
for even if its nothing like wht u gifted.....widout expecting nething in return....
It was sumthing ud expect to c the least!!
i donno why is it such a recurring incidence....
as if each time u learn....ur made to realise, uve left out another chapter!
however small a thing may it b that u expect frm another....
disappointment is wht ud meet wid!
irrespective of the kind of person u r....
irrespective of wht u give out!

the biggest mistake a person can ever do....is to luv sumbody more....
for they get more chances to hurt u n to make u bleed wid the bluntest of knives!

one doesnt req to be good in conveying their feelings....
for the other person, is blissfully deaf.....n blind!
ud always b blamed to be inconsiderate.....
ull always b the person who creates the scene!

 i really wish there was a way to feel less pain....
a way where we dont let ppl just enter our heart n squeeze it!!
for it just doesnt feel fair....
that in such a short life span.....a heart has to go thru all this pain!! 

thoughts

ive always believed that its a persons beliefs that make a character....

it sets the standards fr people to knw their line!

but many a times ive seen myself fail in putting across my point

in making ppl acknowledge the seriousness of my principles!

i knw attimes i may not completely justify asserting my beliefs,

but it hurts me to accept that ppl change their wrds n im made to live wid things that are against my beliefs!

i just cant accept this defeat!

i may attimes be graceful about their feelings n not make an issue

but i cant deny that i feel hurt!

the only thing that crosses my mind is wht if i too repeated wht they did to me

....changed my wrds n later made up by being upfront n say its btr on face than behind their back!

i knw i need to look past these small issues......

but i often wonder....wld others too b that gracious?

To Leave and move on.....

I often look around n find ppl
who manage to be impressively practical.....
People who manage to figure out where to draw the line
No matter how thin it may be!

I've tried to understand this ideology....
n have succeeded to the extend of understanding the necessity of its existence...
but I've always lacked to implement it with leverage.

i have wid time managed to evolve as a being
who can understand the various stages of relationships n its unspoken rules!
I always thght love cld be imparted selflessly..... widout expectations....
Definitely..... widout the expectation of being understood, forget appreciated!

i knw i quite often come across familiar words,....
but Alas! life gets me into its vicious circle n grinds me well!

I may not be the only soul to experience this n so i wont expect sympathy of any sorts....
rather I would like to knw where am i lacking.....
For the more u keep ur heart crystal clear....
the more u r accused of being two faced!

Why words are so important, is truly beyond me.....
coz ppl dont listen to me anyways!!

things manage to turn out so contradictory....
That the dilemma is whether to sob or laugh!

where is that line that i am suppose to draw??....
the one that portrays me as caring n not desperate........

there are so many scenarios where ive put up a sentimental show.....
scenarios where ppl wanted me to be "strong"!

ive found that its easy to speculate or control others situations.....
than being in their place n helping them out.....
Easy to solve the prob than figuring out a win-win situation!

never have i understood how can 1 claim preferring you
by choosing over u!

Is it that i lack understanding of the worldly wisdom....
Of knowing when to say that u love!

how is it possible to make ppl understand ur heart
widout them taking u for granted??

It seems easy to look at others n aspire to be them.......
trying to create something out of u thats completely unlike you!

maybe that is the catch.....
to know when to leave n when to pull back......
to know that diff in emotion
where neither r u completely practical nor completely emotional....
that stage where u stay in control of urself
n being able to say.....
that ur world does consist of other priorities.....

to try till the extent ur heart n mind agree.....
to know when to leave n when to move on!!

The art of remaining your own self.....

Ive heard that it takes about a lifetime to discover your own self....
The identification and acceptance of your pros n cons!

It takes even longer, to sink it into u!

well......they say, we all hav to go thru it at some point in our lives...
no matter how much we ignore..... or evn run frm it!

n so it happened in the case of the writer......
a long era of self discovery ended......n an elated journey began!!

at first the starling details created ripples of pleasure...
for these were truths i nvr knew existed!!

i sumhow managed to get acceptance not just frm my end but others too......
who were pleased to knw me a bit more closely.....

i started getting comfortable in my own skin....
accepting my different shades....
learning to enjoy my own priorities.....my own idea of peace!

i started to evaluate my old n new sides......
voicing my opinion as a right n not a grace!!

but mayb the most difficult to do......is accept that things change......
n most of all......that 'people' change.....

the same people who embraced the new me.....
looked up wid pondering eyes....
wondering.......about wht went wrong wid me!

not that its unexpected......
its just not wht u wanna knw!

n so i started to figure out.....
whether my acceptance matters or others......

the love i share n pour.....is deeply scrutinized....
n my words......slaughtered!!
my reactions are questioned...
but the action leading to the reaction.... blissfully ignored!!

n so now, i ponder......
was it a mistake to accept the self??

is it being stubborn to justify ur deed n not just accept defeat?

Am I deserving of being called a Rebel?


Is being my own self, something too much to ask for??

the circle of mixed emotions.......

there are numerous emotions inside....
which situations demand n manage to get one out of us, quite promptly......

they say.......emotions are heart felt,
just as logic is for the mind to cherish...

the heart is one with purity....
the one with the pious thoughts...

i often find myself amidst the turmoil of conflicts,
between the heart n the mind....

never did i realize tht life is capable of cornering u
where neither sympathy, nor on the face reality helps....

my weak heart has learnt to get stronger
as i set off on my ship of hope.....

each day i feel a new angle to an emotional drain...
sumthing that manages to drain all my positivity out!
n still i continue on my journey....
keeping my eyes on my companions n my goal!
surprisingly my companions decrease in numbers....
n my goals seem far fetched.....

i seem to hav reached a no mans land....
with unmasked faces in sight as far as i can see....

sum scenarios aren't as pleasant as imagined....
n sum seem so very dark..........

they say life is a circle....
but i never remember spreading all this tht im receiving.

i knw things cld hav been worse.....
n i trust i dont wanna learn tht chapter!

a constant turmoil i face between my emotions n my hope....
where in i cant lean on either side.........

the love i shared....has been compromised....
n the unpleasant aura arnd me....
makes my life a circle of mixed emotions!!!!

love...in ur arms!

u walked into my life quite unexpectedly....
n i awaited wid expectant eyes....

i saw an eagerness in ur eyes...
that i now see in mine..
so i think now i shall b able to describe....
wht i saw in ur eyes....was love!!

i donno how was i worthy of so much love
that uve gone thru so much for me!

ur arms hav bn my support........
the wrld seems so much safer!

life has nvr bn a bed of roses
but my wrld wid u smells only of roses!

ur smile already means the world to me........
n our lives are yet to b 2gether!

our hearts have learnt to beat for each other...
our smiles r for each other to survive!

my heart elates at the sight of u........
ur smiling eyes.....take away my pain!

this life is very long.........
n i wanna live it coz its wid u!

Love in the eyes...........

the Lord has taught us to forgive n forget........

n we manage our lives pretty well.....

we may not always fit the bill....

we may not always love ppl

we are humans n we r bound to folly...

the anger...the agression of the mind fills the self with frustration

n we forget the love that we expect!
the eyes are a mirror to ones soul....they say

i look into those eyes which sream of unhappiness fr me!
i try n touch their soul in every possible way....

keeping my faith in humanity n love...

they isolate their ways frm me...turning their backs...

the scars now being just quite deep..

i try keep my faith, which is noticibly reducing...

i c the way they want me out of their lives n soul!
n so i try n grant their wish

i let them breathe free of me!

now i c that change ultimately arriving...

wherein i change my outlook!
yes! i did learn to forgive n forget....

but well thats the diff b/t God n us....

we replace pain wid dead emotions...

the eyes are the mirror of love....

my eyes today are hollow!!!!

Being in love.............

It takes a lifetime to feel love
it takes an era to fit a person "in"

as if there are so many criterias
to let urself fall fr that one!

we meet almost the wrld arnd us
n scrutinize them just trying to get thru!

we use the R&D method
increasing our knowledge on emotional turmoils...

n well one fine day
a person walks thru the door.......
he walks up to u n greets
u hesitantly return that greet!

u may be swiped off by the charm
or merely wonder if 'he' too just shdnt be considered! :)

Our lives today seem so 'busy',
that we attimes seem to over judge n underestimate ourselves!

we never realise the fun n beauty of uncertainity,
n thus take time to understand.

this charming young person...takes out time to knw u!
u adjust ur schedule to fit 'in' his conversations....

u still constantly figure out if whether this person 'shd' be considered....
n in due span of time, ur schedules have his conversations on top priority....
every tick of the clock means an era....whn wid him!

U wonder if this is the fairytale u heard of.....
fr this charming man slowly starts to appear in a shining armor upon a horse....

the heart skips a beat....
as u start to notice evry minute detail that makes his face appear handsome to u!
u start looking frwd to his greetings....
his style seems so very irresistable!

slowly ur dreams fill in his colors....
ur breath awaits his fragnance....
his understanding of u seems so flawless.....
his words seem so very perfect!
ur life starts to revolve in its own universe
with him in the centre

as we start to feel the ground below us....
we are reminded.....

'the beauty of life' lies...
in just for once experiencing the feeling of being in love!

A 3Hr movie called LIFE...........

ever wondered wht it wld b like.........
if life wld be a 3hr movie?

it necessarily not be a happy ending..........
But atleast it wld end!

the drama....the emotion..... the desire..... the pain.....
all drafted to end, scene after scene!

a life breathes wid a dream....
an idea, that wld be the ultimate achievement.....

the desire burns inside u to inspire....
u push ur self to achieve it!

ur movie has ur share of Drama n struggle....
n u go through each scene to reach that "Happy ending"!

BUT DOES 'IT' EVER COME??

how good is one in illustrating each emotion?
how well can 1 write down each emotion?

life gives us various costumes to change.....
for some we are lean n for some we are plump!

we try n fit in anyways....
for the dresses seem so "beautiful"!!

scene after scene, take after take, we patch the make-up....
to look n feel perfect!

we rehearse so hard to give that perfect shot.....
n yet before the camera....we freeze!

ur director wants u to behave...
ur choreographer, wants u to dance to a diff tune.....

all these adjustments for 1 dream!!

ur tears....ur smile....ur fear
nothing is at will but by choice!

ur frame can only be that 70mm screen....
n u portray larger than life characters!

one may get paid for the act......
n everything else..... GOOD-BAD or UGLY is complimentary!

wht all do u give up for ur dream?
U GIVE UP URSELF n u dont even realize!

theres that stage,
where ur reel n real faces look alike!

ur character now wld be a collage
of everything u portray to earn an audience.....

ur life seems to be a specific genre
where one character shade is all u can stick up to!!

that 3hr movie........which u lead shd never have an interval
for that interval is where u loose faith in urself..........n destiny!!

Realization of an expectant heart...........

i rise each day
to a new challenge.....

each moment i endeavor to understand
the pattern of my thghts..........

i know i now sound weird
ppl find it difficult to relate!

i know my love is far more soul piercing...........
my deeds are way too expressive.........

i expect somebody's presence.....
n there are ppl who expect mine!

here i stand with my self in jeopardy.....
for these eyes now seem blank rather than hollow........

i think i know my dream doesnt want me anymore........
i think its only me whos faking a dream world!

may be that wrld is just a wild dream........
my lifes truth.......is the biggest lie!

My expectations as a human......

i look arnd me
i find faces that amuse me quite well......surprisingly!

i knw im quite easy to satisfy
though difficult to convince...

i look through my self..........
find loopholes that yet havnt bn fixed!

i feel weird abt this idea of self redemption......
as if the whole world expects only me to understand n think.....

i agree, "i am" good at useless ponder....
n may be thats why i discover things sooner n act upon!

but now i seek rest....
i want that shoulder to rest my head on......

all these years, ive learnt to be selfless
n i agree on enjoying every moment being this self.....

i know its "hurting" me now....
coz im thinking abt myself now....

but all i ask.......is whether knowing ur desires so wrong??
Is wanting to smile free, so big an expectation??

i know the wrld isnt ready yet to c this face of mine....
especially a face without makeup!

my shoulder isnt aware yet that i need it.....
my support system still is blissfully ignorant.........

i know.....time is all i need....
for all this time along......this line has been the only soother!

my own life, for long has been lived within boundaries.......
n now the walls find it difficult to build bridges!

my trust has always been easily breached........
n i still havnt learnt to judge......

my failure lies in my selflessness
my loophole lies in trusting others!

i lead my life by the moment.....
trying to make it easier to sail thru......

may be this whole idea of a lovable world is a myth.....
n thats why my life as a human is only abt these scars..........

A silent breath!

I look at my palms
i try n read my fate....
i know, not all wld be appropriate....
i still keep my faith intact!

I look at the people who accompany me at each stage....
i look at their perfectly drawn lines in my life!

i often fail to understand.... why does destiny put me in such a situation......
where i have nothing to offer but silence...............................

not all, ofcourse, get a happy ending......
but why shd i spread tears?

is being clear cut in thghts so wrong?
why is my selfless love exposed to free analysis?

why is the notion of a deep thght so hard to understand............
why do i have to hurt ppl wid my love!

is it rite for me to fade away???
AM I ON THE RITE PATH???

all my life i was taught only to spread smiles....
n today those same eyes hide tears inside..........

is it appropriate for me to fade away?????

to face hardships is human fate....
my motto has been to ease off the burden......

but may be i myself donno my limits....
i may be often forget "im human"!!

every breath of mine today is in jeopardy....
i hav nobody to speak up to.....

my life has always been in troubled waters....
ive taken those ripples as a pleasure!

every breath of mine today seems a debt.......
for the ones i love the most.....cry coz of me......all in silence!!!!!!!!