Are we really responsible for our life's course?

 We all are taught, our life is a sum of our decisions.

So have we really taken such wrong decisions that we are kept away from feeling special, feeling loved and feeling wanted from someone?

We agree to make someone a part of our worlds just to know, we are a footnote, a filler!

I was taught to be emphatic, to be understanding, giving... 

As if unworthy of receiving.. 

Today, im a tired soul who still feels hopeless inside for the love she yearns... 

I put up a brave face each day as if Im the happiest, but this void inside me doesnt fill!

They say, be hopeful, imagine that wonderful life.. It shall come true... After waiting more than a decade, I dont seem to believe in that hope or feel that possibility..

We believe when we see the change, feel the change, not that oppurtune impulse!

Lifes new name, is Duty.. Responsibility

I wonder what happened to the fact that i too, am someones responsibilty!!! 

Life at 39

 As life fast forwarded from being 23 to being almost 39 in the blink of an eye, i find myself reviving my blog after almost a decade!

Its been a roller coaster ride, going through various emotions, all the ranges of happiness, anger, emptiness, hopefullness, despair, motherhood...u name it!

All i eventually learnt was that no matter what you do, all you can do is change yourself to the best of your understanding... And if you cant understand... read and find out!

The idea of Companionship is a myth if we dont constantly work on it... And for some reason, our real emotions are not to be shared! Our fears, our hurt, our pain cant be shared...because no matter how healthy the packaging of expression may be, it always turns out to be just blame.. not Sharing!

After a decade and half of unsuccessful tries of expression, repression and forgiveness I have finally learnt(Yes...Im a slow learner) that I should rather work on myself to create a happy environment, than expect that happy environment from someone else.

No, I dont mean to dessert anyone...as my responsiblities outweigh my small selfish peace..and maybe Im not even looking for that.

If I need peace, i need to focus to forgetting the past thats bringing me so much pain, which Im constantly comparing my present condition to, to assess if things have changed!

 My self talk has to be for this peace I seek, as much as for anything else I aim for in life! Ive been ignoring it the past year, thinking I dont want to give it that much importance, as the pain was too high to focus any positive energy on it!

But, if I want a good environment, it has to be wholesome. I need to focus on all the pieces of the puzzle.

So here I am, writing and convincing myself that this is achievable, if I Believe this is what will help me be a peaceful mom and person.

Love plays a huge role in our lives... and if we are to be able to give more to the world, we have to be at peace. We need to resolve, bury, accept and move on. 

Accept that these incidents were lessons, that taught us resilience, strength and fueled our core values.

  

The dark cloud!

when your world seems so dark

that the light doesnt reach your eyes

the heart cries with all its might

to clear the smog 

for a single ray

that negative realm hurts you so deep

that u loose perspective

of your own character

everything unnecessary clouds your mind

leaving you in so much despair!

people blame their stars and the moon

while only trying to get over this night 

n feel the dawn.....

its so sad, that sometimes love isn't enuf,,,,,

its so sad that all hope seems lost just at the end of the tunnel!

expectations by character are always overrated....

we always doubt the delivery 

u doubt urself

u doubt ur Gods!

And anger n frustration is all thats left of u....

people start to wonder whats eating u up.....

u unable to explain thats inside of u!

nobody wants to b sad....

nobody wants to feel devastated!

nobody wants to b asked 'why u dont smile often now'

its mayb bcoz we set some standard of expectation that just got shattered!

its mayb bcoz somebodys efforts were long due n now they seem too late!

sometimes its difficult to c the simplicity of the situation.....

to take that deep breath..... to give urself another chance!

there is so much negativity already around us

that we dont need any newer reasons to feel this way!

we all have our burdens on our souls...

we all have been taken for a ride for our heart!

but still.....

despite this....

im sure we want to be our loving selves again....

be silly.... be weirdly innocent n surprise ourselves

Give ourselves another chance to b happy

The truth of a relation

what lies in your heart
is a mystery that only u hold the key to!
The world sees u as a different person
And u may claim to b a different one

the various levels of disclosure of ones character
depends on how much one decides to showcase

And thus I'm set to believe, no one truly knows anyone!

U may live with that person for a lifetime
n still that person may b an alien!

there are no levels of trust that are definite
no level that u say can determine what u mean to somebody!

Cluttered

Being the superior being has its own challenges....

so much to process, so much to accept...

so much to worry about....

that we often forget the simplest pleasures of being alive!

I often find myself staring into space,

With no specific answer as to whats running in my head...

A monotonous life, tries to break free into a realm that's unpredictive...

N on the contrary, unpredictive situations make me yearn for clues...

I see others, and like most of us, the grass seems greener to me there..

Though I'm aware that maybe their lives have their set of challenges that are much more difficult

My nature makes me drive myself to do something that relaxes me...

my time and strength, alas! leave me drained....

My brain seems to be processing so many things at the same time

that sometimes im tired of giving reactions

My multi-tasking abilities are put to test each day....

A mom, home-maker and a desperate desire to b an identity... are tearing me apart!

Time asks me to be patient....

My priorities remind me time and again...

I await my time,

for it was my choice to set these priorities

and that is all i remind myself of....

The heart yearns for a console 

My pals who are so far....

Life and its challenges always seem small when u see others and their suffering

But the answers to my queries are still out there...

This clutter sometimes gives me an ache...

But things are always cluttered till u dont unclutter them.....

An Inspiration to write about!

Traditions mark our life....our beliefs and they are the actual hand-me-downs that we shall leave behind for all eternity!

while todays super-fast paced life leaves little room to ponder on the very notion, I truly enjoy the gift of noticing and thus cherish what others have to offer!

Being Navaratri, n us having a handful of people to invited and get invited, we visited Arvind's aunts place today....and what an experience it has been!![me writing this post says it all!]

When u enter the house, the first thing that strikes u are the pieces they use to decorate their home...One can immediately imagine the extensive travel they would have done, and the eye for detail the lady of the house posseses, as there are just so many diversifying show pieces, paintings and other hangings!

their entertainment centre plays home to almost a 100 different show pieces inclusive of soft toys and some beautiful family moments consisting of them, their children n their spouses and finally their grandchildren....

All this information only increased my curiosity about the kind of golu i would get to c today[this being my second visit there overall], and were we amazed!

the best part of it being the fact that though many of the pieces may be usual, their arrangement and their preservation through these years makes them truly beautiful....

The Golu.....

 The First step has Valli and Murugan along with a kalasham[their tradition]. the second having Alamelu Mangayar and Lord Balaji along with two dolls of the Kanchi Periyavar of whom they are devotees along with interesting tulasi madams....
the third has Marapachi dolls along with others icluding the guruvayur elephants.
The forth having the Ashta-Lakshmi dolls.

the Fifth step had an amazing Gowmata figurine that ive hardly seen in pictures...along with Lord Ganesha, Goddess Saraswati and Lakshmi, along with Dashavatar.

the latter step had the Chettiyar-Chettichi and a wedding scene....

on one side on the floor was a scene of a field...and another was a very unusual scene of a church with Christmas decorations....

and the decorated lamp[Villaku] just added on to the beauty.

 The side of the step had a small platform for Radha and Krishna with a beautiful toran mandapam of the Goddess herself overlooking!

what struck me most was the way the steps were decorated, with a huge Lord Balajis wall hanging on the top, the toran and most of all little pieces of christmas tree decorations mixed with the garlands and lights on the side.

Another interesting piece was the battery lit diya, that came all the way from the U.S to decorate the golu.....which were lighting up the steps quite brilliantly!

 The Pujari itself had 3 miniature golu steps that she had decorated with beautiful golden studded Gods and Goddesses.....

 Niyant with both the grandmoms...

 A beautiful Guruvayur piece in the living room

 Niyant enjoying the decor and last but not the least...Myself n Perima!

The new face.....

life has turned me inside out...
where each day i c a new side to me...
some are surprisingly positive...n some surprisingly not...
never the less, i should admit....they are a spec of me!

something today just struck me...
after all these years...
i finally have a little pious soul looking up to me with lovely eyes...
who looks at me n wonders...whats he gonna observe today...

that experience of having inquisitive eyes...
that smile at me with wonder...
made me feel a sense of responsibility.....
As if each moment I should watch my move...

As if its crucial for me to scrutinize myself, before i make ne moves.

Lifes given me a palette of experiences,
which today define me..
The good, bad and the ugly...

but no matter how hard i try, i some how am unable to keep the bad n ugly out!

Its important that i make my atmosphere friendly..
Its important that i make sure my heart stays pure..
For i know n believe that its upto us to take negativity in or out....

Today, i stand at cross roads where my own beliefs mock me...
as if they tease their very existence in me...
n that i have set out to preach!

There is so much that i wanna get back to...
to keep my peace within me...
But i wonder if thats possible..
coz tide and time wait for none...n im wondering if my time has slipped away??

This new face, has put me into a soul searching quest...
wherein all i know is that i need to triumph with my positive best...
coz i cant preach what i dont believe....